apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
