I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
