dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Randomize
