Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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