she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
