You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
