Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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