tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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