Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
