Michael Bay diarrhea
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
