Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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