My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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