just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
