I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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