my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
