Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
