if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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