I just made out with a guy for $7.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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