At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
