i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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