My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
