Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
