i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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