You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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