I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
