rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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