need another drink. this is the easiest way
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
