I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
