I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
