I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
