Plan B is the new Plan A
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
