What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
