Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
