Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
