i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
