The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
