Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
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