There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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