Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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