in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
