My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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