Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
should my penis look like a turkey
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
