you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
