in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
