Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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