Welp...herpes.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
