Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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