So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
