My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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