At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
